I went to a gathering tonight. I was told that we might sing a few songs, which I figured I could just leave for if I got uncomfortable.
I don’t know what I was thinking. 1) it was at the house of the second in charge of the group and although he left and changed a lot… half of the meeting were held there. 2) it turned into a small group setting, praise, prayer, intimate sharing…. 3)it was a spiritual setting with those people.
I got up once and locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes, it just was too intense.
The whole time I was there, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was even a christian anymore. I mean, I don’t pray.. I’m not actively pursuing relationships or any kind of fellowship with the people at the church I frequent. All I knew was that I didn’t want what they were seeking tonight. I want something, someone, but I don’t know where it is.
It’s exhausting.. I feel like I’m actively trying to sort things out, but really it’s just me living life waiting for Jesus to show himself.. and he’s not.
i’ve hidden in a bathroom and a laundry room at this one house where i attend a bible study every now and then…
i read this blog post the other day and just cried at your words ‘but really it’s just me living life waiting for Jesus to show himself.. and he’s not’ cause that is exactly what i’ve been trying to say to a few people recently. i have no idea what or how or when to change this.
It’s such a hard place to be. I feel like I could switch into past ways of thinking and have the problem solved.
Faith: Believe God is good because it’s in His word. You don’t need to feel it, you trust his word above your feelings.
Repent: Confess the wickedness of doubting God’s goodness and believe in your heart that He is good.
I’m fighting those responses because it’s like muscle memory. I can’t just go on living in some facade because this has got to be real or I can’t risk hurting myself pursuing it.
Hard place. In my heart I really feel like Jesus’ heart is broken over these situations, but if that is the case so many things just don’t make sense.
I read a book this week by Brennan Manning called The Furious Longing of God (really good book, I recommend it)… and at the end of one section it said to ask God for something that is on your heart and so, for the first time in a while, I opened my mouth and sheepishly said, “please fight for me”. I had a knee-jerk reaction because praying that back in the day would be a major sign of pride and irreverence, but that is my deepest desire.. If Jesus wants me, I just want him to show me somehow, to fight for my soul.
Hope everything is going alright with you, I e-mailed your sister yesterday and she’s been in my thoughts… hard stuff she and you are walking through.
“I’m fighting those responses because it’s like muscle memory. I can’t just go on living in some facade because this has got to be real or I can’t risk hurting myself pursuing it.
Hard place. In my heart I really feel like Jesus’ heart is broken over these situations, but if that is the case so many things just don’t make sense.”
I really relate to these two paragraphs. I’m still clinging to my faith (sort of weak-muscled, though), but I also cannot pretend things make sense that don’t.
Your comment over at Quivering Daughters brought me here. Thanks for your honesty and sharing your story which encourages me as I keep believing that there is enough space for all of my doubts, in this place of keeping my face turned to the Lord, with all the pain, hurt, confusion and uncertainty in my heart and face.