I feel more stable these days. That is probably the reason I don’t write as often. I should probably write regardless of where I’m at on this journey, as good or bad, it’s all real and valid and worth recording.
I’ve been trying to connect more at church. There is a giant disconnect, for me personally, with christians. No one understands that realm of dark spirituality that changes everything. It changes everything and no one understands that, except those who do. I am blessed that when I left a few months later there was an exodus of people who followed suit, so there are at least a handful of people around who are in the same place in their struggle or further on or further behind.. it doesn’t really matter where they are but really just that they are. I am validated by other people’s struggles with pain, as they are with mine. Sounds horrible, but it’s not at all.
I’ve been working a lot which is one of the reasons I’ve probably been feeling more stable. Keeping busy doesn’t always just keep your mind from touching on the unsorted messes, but it brings consistency and stability.
I don’t have a lot of depth to pour out at this point. I guess I’m still moving along. Trying to get grasp of who Jesus is, who He isn’t.. what was His hand and what wasn’t. It’s painful, it hurts. It makes me want to not think about it, but I am reminded of His gentleness almost daily and even if it isn’t an ever present overwhelming feeling all the time, I can work with the knowledge of it.
“Jesus is gentle” “God wants you, He didn’t ever push you away”
Those things that are now mere sentences that I cling to as truth will one day penetrate my heart again and it will be second nature to embrace those qualities in Him.. but for now we work on life, together, Him and I, I and Him. It’s wonderful.
