Is it safe to land?

…his sword of spiritual elitism sliced me open. Everyone else laughed but I bled all the way up the aisle, stumbled out into the sunny courtyard and blinked back tears…

I went to a gathering tonight. I was told that we might sing a few songs, which I figured I could just leave for if I got uncomfortable.
I don’t know what I was thinking. 1) it was at the house of the second in charge of the group and although he left and changed a lot… half of the meeting were held there. 2) it turned into a small group setting, praise, prayer, intimate sharing…. 3)it was a spiritual setting with those people.

I got up once and locked myself in the bathroom for a few minutes, it just was too intense.
The whole time I was there, I couldn’t help but wonder if I was even a christian anymore. I mean, I don’t pray.. I’m not actively pursuing relationships or any kind of fellowship with the people at the church I frequent. All I knew was that I didn’t want what they were seeking tonight. I want something, someone, but I don’t know where it is.

It’s exhausting.. I feel like I’m actively trying to sort things out, but really it’s just me living life waiting for Jesus to show himself.. and he’s not.

I made a joke to a friend this morning about some ladies at my work that (in their religious speak) were going to drive me to atheism. He wrote back and said, “I have little respect for atheists, become an agnostic and we can still be friends”. My reply to that was explaining that I chose to word it with atheism over agnosticism because of the oh so real reality that is in my vision of how I could drift into that category.

Jesus, where have you gone?

the chasm is wide, and oh so far.

I feel like I’m losing myself. As if I don’t have control of where I’m going. It scares me.
I haven’t really told anyone what is going on in my heart. I’ve not really been one to hide things, but I have secrets and I feel myself holding back from letting anyone know. I’m not sure if I’m more afraid of their response to what is going on, or my own admittance of it.

I feel lonely.. it’s a deep-seated loneliness too.

I’m further than I’ve ever expected to be.. I don’t even want to write about it. Maybe tomorrow. 😦

I’ve had a really hard time this past week. Everything is so fresh again. I’m afraid of where I’m going.

Being a christian is hard. Being a part of the Body is hard too. Jesus sustains.

He’s a gentleman.

I feel more stable these days. That is probably the reason I don’t write as often. I should probably write regardless of where I’m at on this journey, as good or bad, it’s all real and valid and worth recording.
I’ve been trying to connect more at church. There is a giant disconnect, for me personally, with christians. No one understands that realm of dark spirituality that changes everything. It changes everything and no one understands that, except those who do. I am blessed that when I left a few months later there was an exodus of people who followed suit, so there are at least a handful of people around who are in the same place in their struggle or further on or further behind.. it doesn’t really matter where they are but really just that they are. I am validated by other people’s struggles with pain, as they are with mine. Sounds horrible, but it’s not at all.
I’ve been working a lot which is one of the reasons I’ve probably been feeling more stable. Keeping busy doesn’t always just keep your mind from touching on the unsorted messes, but it brings consistency and stability.

I don’t have a lot of depth to pour out at this point. I guess I’m still moving along. Trying to get grasp of who Jesus is, who He isn’t.. what was His hand and what wasn’t. It’s painful, it hurts. It makes me want to not think about it, but I am reminded of His gentleness almost daily and even if it isn’t an ever present overwhelming feeling all the time, I can work with the knowledge of it.

“Jesus is gentle” “God wants you, He didn’t ever push you away”

Those things that are now mere sentences that I cling to as truth will one day penetrate my heart again and it will be second nature to embrace those qualities in Him.. but for now we work on life, together, Him and I, I and Him. It’s wonderful.

Have I posted this before?

I love..love..love this:

Where I Land – JJ Heller

The Pilgrim’s Regression

Life has become so surreal. When I get a moment of downtime I’m amazed that this is what it has become, I never would have guessed. Three years ago, while I was still in The Group, we were given a series of lectures about murmuring and complaining. While I don’t think that it is linked to witchcraft and feel sick thinking that complaining makes God push you away, I still think that it’s one thing a Christian should aim not to do.
All of that being said, complaining is different than disappointment, something I’ve realized lately. Disappointment is natural in this life. To repress the emotions involved with that, I believe, is unhealthy. I’m disappointed in how things turned out. I’m sad that our dreams and visions are crushed, even if they were divisive and destructive.
I was with a friend today that I hadn’t seen in a while. A couple of years ago we grew really close as I tried to help her out and get her ‘on track’ but she’s decided to walk a different way for now and we’ve just lost that closeness. I told her today, how I miss it. I miss the closeness of our group. We were family. I miss knowing that there was a group of 20 or so people who would be there for me and who I knew understood me and how I thought and interacted with the world. These are aspects that really only developed because we were one-minded to a fault and we shut everyone else out because they weren’t willing to join ‘the revolution’, but they’re things I miss. In the moment, without understanding the complexity of it, it made me feel secure. 😦
I found out about a week ago that the group has ended. It’s been what a lot of people for years had been hoping for and it’s happened. The leader is moving back to the city that he came down from and they’re disbanding. I can’t imagine the heart ache and lostness of those who were still in attendance. I know them, they are my brothers and sisters, the people I grew close to in intimate ways. They are hurting. It breaks me, because they are still disillusioned and with full allegiance, but the object of their affection is gone. I understand that, it was like a part of me had died. I grieved the same steps one would as if someone had died, but there was no consolation. We created a monster and now it’s not functional anymore. We spent years of our lives devoted to serving the good of this movement and now it ceases to exist. My sadness is that I know pieces of it still reign over our hearts. There are broken pieces of me that I don’t know will ever be fixed. I am damaged goods, but they, they don’t know that it’s a monster. They don’t know to run from it, tear away from it’s hold.

I cannot help them, I cannot try to heal them. I am still on the outside, even without an inside. I am one who fell away and I’m broken and I’m not thriving and I’m not walking in ‘victory’, I have nothing to show for this last year and the further that time goes on, the more sick my soul gets. That is what disqualifies me from helping them, in their eyes.

I don’t know how to react to it being over. No one thought it would ever end.. and then we left. two by two we left. the ‘lifers’ the committed ones, the faithful, the inner circle, we broke out and now it’s done. I feel like that should make everything better as if all the pain and emptiness and confusion should just dissipate because it’s over.. but it’s not over, it follows me to work in the morning, it haunts me on my breaks, it cuts into my thoughts and conversations, it separates me from Christianity in ways that I don’t know how to fix. It’s not over.